The Bed Intruder

Do you remember the timeless story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears? The story of the cute, helpless girl that clumsily stumbled into someone else’s home and was eventually found adorably sleeping in their bed?

Now, did you ever wonder what would happen if Goldilocks took the form of an inebriated old man who was adamant on fighting everyone in his vicinity when awakened from his sweet slumber?

We didn’t really think about it either until we heard aggressive muttering outside our cabin door at 3 AM one morning.

Then a loud, diplomatic voice, You spewed in my bed, and I’m not even angry. I just want to help you. Let us help you.

Katarina and I both sit up lazily listening through the thin walls that were designed for the hot tropics, not for noise reduction.

The diplomat continues, Please, we just want to help you find your bed. I bet it’s much more comfortable than mine.

More grunting and stomping ensues.

And then a new scruffy voice that we haven’t heard yet, Now why ya tryna hit me, mate? I’m a neutral third party. I’m just here to help y’all sort this out.

Noise continues on. For 10 minutes, 20 minutes, half an hour.

I can’t take it anymore. I grab my phone, dial security’s number.

Okay, we’ll send someone out. Can you let me know where you’re staying?

Room 138.

No, like which hostel?

Which hostel?

We’ll send someone out in the next hour.

We wait patiently. The bed intruder keeps drunkenly grunting. The diplomat keeps trying to sell the idea of any other bed but his. The neutral third party observer keeps claiming his objectivity.

I have to pee.

Katarina looks at me. What? Now?

Yeah.

Can’t it wait?

No. No, it can’t wait.

I grab my crutches, and loudly shuffle toward the door. I stick my head out slowly.

Three tormented faces turn to look at me. Our two neighbours from the room beside ours and a new face, probably that of the neutral third party who came to help. One face, the bed intruder’s, doesn’t even look as he continues to shuffle and mutter angrily.

The diplomat hurries towards me, I’m so sorry if we woke you. We’re trying to get him away from your room.

So, what happened exactly? I ask, curiosity immediately prioritizing itself over my bodily needs.

And then the story unfurls. Which will be shared in the form of a nursery rhyme. Because it’s more entertaining that way, and why the hell not.

Oldielocks And The Three Bears

Once upon a time, Oldielocks found himself walking alone,

2 AM, nothing left to drink, and no one willing to bone.

He stumbled through the forest looking for his shed,

But instead entered the bears’ cabin and crawled into bed.

Now, the part that's funny and might leave you a little tense:

Sleepy Bear was already home and drunk out of sense.

When Oldielocks entered the bears’ cabin and climbed up the bunk bed ladder,

Sleepy Bear was happy his bear friend got home safely, and that’s all that mattered.

But then Diplomatic Bear made it home, ready to snooze for the night,

Only to open the cabin door and see a horrifying sight.

His top bunk was occupied by Oldielocks and his vomit,

Nearly causing poor Diplomatic Bear to spew his most recent gin and tonic.

Diplomatic Bear stood in the doorway, too shocked to let out any cries,

As Sleepy Bear rolled in his covers and then caught his friend’s eyes.

The bears quickly came together to get Oldielocks out of bed,

Dragging him out of the top bunk while avoiding the tainted bedspread.

But unfortunately my friends, the story doesn’t end here,

As Oldielocks was not happy to be woken and forced to disappear.

So arguments broke out and Oldielocks showed his fists,

And while everyone else wanted to sleep, the story persists.

Negotiations began with an Oldielocks who was unwilling to comply,

And soon his swinging fists and nonsense talk drew in another guy.

New guy's name was Neutral Third Party Bear and he just wanted to assist,

He wasn’t associated with the other two bears, he continued to insist.

So the three bears and Oldielocks argued, close to the door of two hags,

Who wanted to visit a bookstore tomorrow, without their eyes underlined by bags.

So the prettier of the two hideous hags, if I could say so myself,

Took matters into her own hands to put this fight on the shelf.

She merely wanted it to be silent for the rest of the night,

Convincing herself that her next actions were not out of spite.

Then she called upon the spirits to remove Oldielocks from her presence,

And cast a spell on the three bears to make them her own peasants.

She then grabbed her cane from the corner and limped to the door,

To assess what she’d done and to see what’s in store.

And that’s the story my friends, no happily ever after just yet,

Just a bad hangover waiting for Oldielocks, and a few bears left upset.

So if you want to avoid being in this situation, the solution isn’t that hard,

You don’t have to push furniture against your door or hire a guard.

The lifelong lesson that the three bears learnt oh-so-long ago,

Is simply to lock your doors kids, and avoid a shit-show.